Regrets
by Dranzen
Summary: A very weird oneshot. RevanCarth There's nothing she regrets...


_Notes: _This is just a really weird one-shot I came up with on a five hour drive last night… Revan isn't light side or dark side in this fic. She's just neutral. And so very in love with our most lovable KotOR Pilot…

_Summary: _Just a weird one-shot from Revan's point of view… Revan/Carth She has no regrets…

**Regrets**

Why are we who we are? Because of the choices we make. The choices between all the different things that mould us into the person we are today.

I've made some…dark choices. I'd like to say that I regret these choices, that I regret my old lifestyle, those lives, Malachor...defying the Council in general…but I don't. I really don't. I don't regret all the lives I've destroyed, the people I've changed, or becoming the monster that is Darth Revan.

This is the point where I should tell you my name, but I can't. This is the point where I should tell you who I am, but I can't. I want to, but I can't. The truth is…I just don't have the answers.

That's what you get, I guess, for trusting the Jedi _and_ the Sith, in succession no less. The Sith attempt to blow you up, even though you're their master, and then the Jedi reprogram your personality…making you even more mentally unstable then you were before. I'm crazy.

Heh.

Everyone thought _Carth_ took it badly, even though he really did, but what about me? All I could think was, "I'm WHO?" Suddenly, I'm back at square one with him. Believe it or not, that's all I was thinking.

Oh, great, I'm Darth Revan. This is not going to measure well with Carth. Just after I got him to trust me, too…

Oh, I'd love to say that in the end it didn't matter to him. But it did. A lot. He blamed me for Telos, for the death of his wife and the disappearance of hi son. I would like to point out at the destruction of Telos is one thing that is not my fault. It was Malak, not me. Even Canderous was on my side.

He'd said more than once how he would have loved to take a blaster to both Revan and Malak's heads and pull the trigger, before we found out how the Jedi Council and Bastila had messed up my mind. I'd half expected him to go through with this the moment he had the chance. Only thing is, he didn't.

I remember the moment I realized that he didn't plan on killing me, beneath the deep Ocean of Manaan, at the Hrakert Station at the bottom. Manaan is covered in one, big deep ocean, filled with all sorts of nasty things.

It scared me. Everyone gets scared, Jedi or no. It depends on whether a sentient is strong enough to admit it.

I was nervous enough thanks to my fear of the Ocean, and having Carth along wasn't helping. Him, and an unconscious Mission.

Those fish people, Selkath, had gone nuts in the underwater station. We hadn't figured out why, yet. Part of the job I guess. Anyways, the insane Selkath ambushed us. Carth and I could handle ourselves just fine, both of us being experienced fighters, but there were a lot of them. When a say 'a lot' I mean a 'fucking helluva lot.' If you catch my meaning…

Mission and graceful and courageous, but she's only a fourteen-year-old Twi'lek girl, raised by a wookie and a slacker of a brother. She wasn't ready for the Selkath, or the ferocity with which they attacked. They wanted to EAT us, for Force's sakes.

Never really cared for fish, too. Any of us.

Carth and I sat with our back against a cold wall inside a room which presumably led outside the station. The floor was damp, like most of the station, and every once in a while a shrill call from some sea creature sent chills up our spines.

I cradled Mission's blue head in my lap protectively. I couldn't ell if she was awake or unconscious, or what the man next to me was thinking. Carth had been completely unreadable since the Leviathan and the unveiling of my identity four days earlier.

All I could do was wait for Mission's medpac to start working, wait for my force energy to return, for Carth to say something…

Another cry echoed throughout the station, and I tensed. The sudden image of the walls breaking and 20, 000 million tons of water flooding us, crushing me, drowning me probably made my hair stand straight up, because Carth gave me an odd look and shook his head.

Once I had calmed down, I resumed staring at…anything. Right now, 'anything' was Carth. He had shut his eyes and seemed to be sleeping, though I knew better. Carth never slept while on a mission. His light brown hair had begun to streak a little bit gray at his temples. I had commented it, on a trip to Dantooine that seems so long ago now…

He had jokingly blamed Mission and me, and Canderous had pointed out that we were probably like a wife and daughter to him, and that was why most men of thirty-eight went gray. Mission had scowled, saying that she and I would be insulted to be related to a geezer like Carth. Everyone had laughed, despite the fact that the fate of the Galaxy was in our hands. But that's how it always is, isn't it?

I couldn't help but smile at the memory, continuing to stare absent-mindedly at the Pilot, without even noticing that he had opened his eyes and was now…glaring at me. That's what he did lately: glare. What little smile had found its way onto my face faded, and I looked away.

We sat in uncomfortably silence for…oh, I'm not sure how long. I don't really care anyways. It had always been Bastila who kept track of time of time. Before Malak kidnapped her, that is.

"So…are you going to do It or not? With Mission unconscious and everything…"

To my own disbelief, _I _was the one who broke the silence. It was as if my mouth was moving on its own, pouring out the words that had haunted me since Mission had first feel unconscious. _Was he going to kill me?_ His paranoia had rubbed off on me. I was so sure that was what he wanted, me dead.

"Do what?" his voice was tainted with an unusual coldness that I had never heard before. I flinched, missing the warmth that had been there four days earlier.

"Kill me." Once again, the words tumbled out, and I yearned to suck them back into my mouth…and choke on them.

He stared at me and then sighed, closing his eyes and leaning against the wall again. I hadn't noticed how he had tensed when I began talking.

"No, of course not. Why would I…" he trailed off, scowling. His brown eyes snapped open and he looked at me. He wasn't glaring anymore, and he didn't look angry either, just frustrated. Which, I'm going to have to say, was quite an improvement. I can handle him frustrated.

"What made you think that I would want to kill you?"

"Oh," I said in a sarcastically pleasant voice. "Just the things you said when we used to talk…you know, before this bombshell was dropped on us?" One thing he had to understand, I was just as unhappy with the situation as he was. Typical male…

"Yes, well…I would have, if…" he paused, apparently considering his words. A sick feeling settled in my stomach. He was so…so full of anger lately, more than I had ever seen in him before. But now….a lot of that anger was gone, replaced by something I couldn't quite read.

"If…?" I said quietly, momentarily forgetting about the girl in my lap. Mission groaned slightly, but I chose to ignore her for now. Apparently so did Carth. I know at this point we sound cruel, but certain things had to be said, and right then.

"If…if you had been anyways else." He said simply. We stared at each other for a little longer, and then he tore his gaze from mine. He sighed again and I remained silent, waiting for him to explain.

"If _Revan_ had been anyone else but you," he said firmly, still not looking at me. "I would have taken a blaster to their head and shoot; I've told you that before. But not you. You're….you're a completely different story. Person." He made a very twisted attempt at a smile. "That's how messed up my morals are."

I rubbed absent-mindedly at one of the four earrings on my right ear. It was something I had done for years, whenever I was nervous. Carth apparently noticed, and he frowned and pulled my hand down. He had never approved of this habit.

"What," he asked. "made you think I want to kill you?"

"Haven't we been through this?"

"No, not really…what…never mind," he frowned at me again. "Listen when all this," he gestured around us as he spoke. "is over, when we find that damned map…we need to talk."

I should've said something sarcastic back to him then, and I think was going to, but I was distracted. I still don't know whether he realized it or not, but he was still holding my wrist. So I reached up with my other hand and began rubbing at one of the three earrings on my left ear.

"Um…Carth…"

It took him a minute, but he got it. He was really embarrassed, or at least I think he was. He's not the type of guy to admit these things to anyone, least of an ex-Dark Lord of the Sith.

When we finally got out of that station (without being eaten! Bonus!) we did talk. We talked about anything; we just laughed and joked as if we didn't need to save the Galaxy, or if I wasn't Revan, as we had on Taris, looking for Bastila. We talked as much as we would have in the four days in which all we had done was exchange curt nods.

And he said that he loved me. Which absolutely made up for everything., After that, I couldn't any of what had happened before against him, as long as he didn't hold my past against me

That's why I don't regret all the terrible things I've done. If I took them all back, where would I be now? Certainly not with him. I'd probably still be a Jedi Knight, blindly following the will of the Jedi Council on Dantooine.

I could never do that again.

I guess you could say that I'm _glad_ that all those people died. I'm glad about the destruction of Telos, Morgana Onasi's death, Dustil's fall, bombardment on Dantooine… I guess in that way Darth Revan is still inside me, inside that selfish attitude that probably led to my fall.

I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. I don't think I want to anyways. I hate myself, I really do, for those things I did…the things that can never be fixed. I guess that's why I tried to help with the Telos Restoration project as much as possible. I guess that's why I told Canderous to claim the title of Mandalore. I guess that's why I supported Bastila in her own redemption.

I guess that's why I left.

I love him, I really do. Carth…he means the world to me. He did exactly what he set out to do, so long ago: He gave me something to turn to the light for. He also gave me something to touch the darkness for, but I'll never fall again. Ever.

I left in the middle of the night, three years after we destroyed the Star Forge. Canderous, or rather Mandalore, had disappeared. He had left for Nar Shadaa last I heard. Juhani and Bastila were both on Coruscant, continuing their training down the path of the light. Jolee…well, he and I had never really been on good terms. Don't ask me why. He just faded out of my life. Mission and Zaalbar stayed with Carth and I, living on Telos and badgering us to let them help with the Restoration Project. Dustil's around…I don't think he likes the idea of having a stepmother though.

None of them knew what I was doing.

I could pilot the Ebon Hawk just fine. Carth had taught me. I think…I think he knew that I was leaving sooner or later. I've talked to him about, about the memories that keep bubbling to the surface as time goes on…

There are so many mistakes that I've made. Some, I can't be bothered to care about. Others, I really want to fix…especially when it affects our future.

I'm no Jedi, and I am certainly not a Sith. I'm just…I'm just a soldier of the Republic, a Mother and Wife…

I was someone before I was Darth Revan. I need to find out who, and it's out there…it's out there, waiting for me to find it. Find it, and destroy whatever is out there threatening all the things important to me.

So I left. I had no regrets leaving, at the time. My dark cloak wrapped around me, my lightsabers at my belt. Everything was as it should be for my departure.

Except…

The twins. _My _twins. Both are a year and a half old, and can stumble around as though they were walking, and talk. Incredibly intelligent. Way too intelligent for their own good. They confuse Carth and I sometimes, but Dustil seems to understand them just perfectly…

There's something about the Onasi children, that's for sure.

Justin and Mika were sitting in the middle of the living room when I entered it, at one in the morning, giggling and whispering amongst themselves. They were playing with a ball, rolling it back and forth between them… They found it amusing. Very amusing.

I don't know how long I stood there, at the doorframe leading from the kitchen to the living room. I had put them to bed much earlier that night, making sure that they fell asleep this time. They had the habit of getting up and stumbling around, giggling and whispering to each other.

And they did it again. Energetic little tykes…

Once I snapped out of the shock that they had once again escaped from their bedroom without mine or Carth's notice, I stepped into the dark room and sat down behind Mika. They both saw me, taking turns glancing at me, before going back to play with the ball.

Both have jet black hair, much like mine, but they had Carth's eyes…it looked lovely on their young faces. Mika was always smiling, convincing her brother to say the oddest things and walking around with her at midnight. Justin, on the other hand, was surprisingly quiet. He smiled too, but only for his family members. If, let's say, Mission and Zaalbar came to visit he would be very quiet and only look up at them with his big brown eyes.

He had the innocent little boy act down, but the rest of us knew better.

I watched them roll the ball between them, soaking up their images. I had no idea how long I would be gone, and I didn't want to go and forget what my own children looked like.

"What are you two doing up?" I asked quietly fifteen minutes later, reaching over and ruffling Justin's already messy hair.

"Playing!" Mika said loudly, her voice cracking uncomfortably into the silence that had descended upon the apartment. Both Justin and I flinched, and I shushed her.

"Sh! You'll wake your Father up…"

"Why are you up, Mama?" Justin asked, cocking his head to one side while watching me curiously. His voice was surprisingly high, even for a little boy.

I hesitated before answering. "I'm…going on a trip, and I need to leave tonight."

Both looked at me strangely, and I smiled. "I won't be gone for very long," I lied, the guilt already settling in my stomach uncomfortably. "Okay?" They looked at each other for a moment, and once again I had the feeling that they were both telepathic.

Without waiting for an answer, I scooped the pair up into my arms; they were very small, being only a year and half old and having a short Mother. "Now, off to bed with you two."

I carried them back to their bedroom, setting first Mika down on her bed, and then Justin down on his bed on the other side of the room. The room wasn't very big, and their beds weren't very high off the ground. At least, for Mika they weren't. She liked to jump around, no matter what anyone said to her. When one of them were scared, they lately ended up sharing a bed. Especially when Mika was scared…with Justin, he most of the time faced his fears or stumbled out of bed and into mine and Carth's bedroom across the hallway.

I prolonged the goodnights I gave them both, making sure that both were comfortable, and that Mika didn't fall off her bed before even falling asleep.

And then I left.

I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn't…not until I was out of known space and only had HK-47 and T3-M4 with me for company…neither was very good for talking with.

About a year and half later, I abandoned the Ebon Hawk, placing her on Auto Pilot and sending her back into known space. I don't know what happened to her then…I only hope that T3 did okay. HK had been…incapacitated by Sith forces a month earlier, and I had no idea where a lot of his main components had gone.

It was…depressing. It's even more depressing now that I'm alone, on some really strange planet, around an annoying bird species that don't speak Galactic Basic and are intent on locking me up in one of their smelly prisons.

I think I'm crazier than ever, now. Isolation does that to a person. I imagined my twins, Carth, Mission…I tried to think what they would look like. Mika and Justin would be three, Mission nineteen…

Do I regret anything? No. Not even now.

* * *

_Notes: _Yeah…there you go. It's very weird, and I warned you about that so don't complain. xD

Review, and tell me what you think! I know Mika and Justin aren't very…developed, but this is a one-shot and this is my first test with an idea of mine…one of many ideas, mind you.

Zen-chan


End file.
